ok so lets be honest here... i know to the people who are reading this (if anyone is reading this) are probably thinking, "its going to be a picture on this post" well of course you are WRONG.... i only put my pictures up to stuff that are not really important. but right now, im TIRED, PISSED, HURT, ANNOYED, WORN OUT, TICKED.....(shall i continue?...) i just finised reading one of my friends blogs about expressing his dreams and how he plans to get there. reading that motivivated me to do the same. this time im not gonna let all my dreams out in stuff (and if i do, oh well) im gonna express what ive been holding since ive been back to school........ maybe by doing this it can calm me down and i can get some sleep!!!
so i just explained all the ways that im feeling and that ive been feeling since the beginning of this semester. let me tell you why i feel this way.
1.) SCHOOL: so over the summer, i was experiencing technical dificulties (will not say what or why) but it caused me to be in great fear, less sleep, eatting more, basically like in a deep, Deep, DEEP depression. but of course by the grace of God, all was well before school started. with God helping me through that situation, i told Him that i would do better in school and that i would not let Him nor my parents down. so what do i do? i live up to what i said cause i dont like to lie at all. so of course being in college there is a lot of work that you have to do. and ive done it!! (and im almost there to making it home free!!!!) but it has tired me, stressed me out so much that im breaking out all over my face. i mean im not saying that cause i think i look ugly (to be honest, i think i look fabolous!!!) but because its never happened to me before.... well i mean yea it has in some ways, not to the point that its covering my whole face!!! i have the worse headaches, i sometimes dont wanna eat. i basically hurt myself to strive for greatness. but why do i feel sad? i mean i should feel happy that im actually doing good in all my classes, but i guess when i think about the past, i get afarid that its gonna happen again and that im going to let my parents and God down again. and that my parents are dissapointed in me cause i cant do anything with my life and that i wont be able to accomplish anything and....... look im tired of talking about this.... ima move on cause i feel tears coming right now
2.) Family/Parents: so look, like i said in my last blog, i HATE my family but i LOVE my parents because i feel they are two different things. well my parents have always, always, ALWAYS been there for me. even when i didnt think they were. they've been with me even through the WORST times. but of course, they are like any other parents... annoying. just to the point that i say this to them all the time "i love you, but i dont like you." (yes i do say that to my parents i kidd you not). here let me sum it up for you with 2 words: ONLY CHILD. yep that explains it all. the way i came all the way from Cali to VA (that and because i HATE cali) why i try so hard to only talk to my parents only once a MONTH but they always find a way to reach me, be it with phone or by, yes even my FRIENDS!!! why i dont go home when im able and have the money to. its just the fact that, well here let me do this. me and my father get along "pretty" well. i mean he kinda understands the fact why i feel the way i feel about both of them, and why i dont like to call them all the time. but of course ill say this now, we did agree that i will talk to them once a week so everyone calm down, im not that coldhearted. its just sometimes, he doesnt understnd FULLY. so thats when i cant tell him some things. now my mother on the other hand...... whooo!!!! she doesnt understnad AT ALL!!!!! cant talk to her about anyting, whether it be school, poiltics, not even boys!! cant even ask her the question why the grass is green. and she would be the reason why i cant talk to her about school. she would make me feel DUMB, STUPID, that im like a 5 year old and that i dont know shit!!!!! (yea i cursed im that mad) i wanna talk to her about how i feel. i wanna talk to BOTH of them when im sad, when i cry, when im hurt, when i miss them. but i cant. they always either bring up old stuff in the past that i try not to remember(dad) or say things that make it seem like i do everything completly worng and make me feel worse and dumb(mom) and ive tried and tried and TRIED to talk to them about things, but if im crying and hurt, why would i want to talk to them? so i can just cry more and feel worse than before!?!? and i DEFINETLY cant talk to them about boys or school. cause thats where the arguement comes into place. and, ok being honest. you wanna know the true reason why i try not to go home so often, its cause i know when i get home, there will be an agruement, espically with my mother. can i have JUST ONE TIME, a holiday where i can get along and have a MOTHER to DAUGHTER chat with my only mother? the ONLY woman i love more than ANYTHING!?!?.... ok i need to stop right here cause i really have tears on my face. let me just move on to my last one
3.) People/Friends/Relationships: ok... ive always had issues with people, i mean doesnt everybody? but even though i know i cant please everybody, i feel bad when the people i call my FRIENDS are as FAKE as the PEOPLE who tell me in my FACE that they DONT LIKE ME!!!!! i dont know about you but that hurts. calling a group of people your "fam" and in the end, they HATED everything about you. meeting people and having friends who think you are cool, but USE you for the things you have. people, friends, close friends, lovers, and even relatives, say one thing to you, and the next, they STABB you 20 times in the back. ive learned not to trust ANYONE!!!! in some cases, i dont even trust MYSELF. i only trust ONE person, GOD. but even with my guard up, i ALWAYS still end up meeting people who for months, even YEARS they were as close to me in my heart as anything, that even with my guard up, they still know how to tear it down. after my last relationship(we wont get into that either) i finally told myself, no more. i mean im not saying no more men (NEVER THAT) but im saying no moe relationships. no more titles, NO MORE!!!! in other words, i turned into Mary J. Blige, "no more drama in my life, i dont ever want to hurt again." but of course i always meet a guy that i like. so now even though i like this person, a lot, im not trying to get into anything cause im not going through it anymore. and if i do (cause you know i already did) i always have negative thoughts of whats gonna happen to us or convince myself that he doesnt really like me like he says he does so i wont have to hurt myself. but IM TIRED OF DOING THIS ALL THE TIME!!! im tired of guys thinking that im a flirt and that im using them when the truth of the matter is that IM SCARED!!!!! i am, im tired of thinking and waiting for a guy to hurt me. im tired of thinking that they are using me for one thing and one thing only. i mean some guys do do that, but the others who dont get tired of me avoiding them and coming back like nothing happened, avoiding and talking, they get tired of the game, and to be honest im tired of it too. but even though im saying all of this, it doesnt mean that ima stop. cause no matter how HARD, how PAIN STINGILY HARD i try, i get scared and crumble down. im TIRED of people using me. im TIRED of being lied to by the people who i loved, im TIRED of being STABBED, IM TIRED OF THIS SHIT!!!!!
im tired of work, liars, and negatively
im pissed that the fact that ignorance is at its strongest and that people who i thought were cool cant seem to be truthful to my face
im annoyed at fakers who are close in my life
im hurt about the truth of others who i care, bringing myself down to not get brought down by others, my own parents..
and most of all..
I CANT TAKE ANY OF IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im done with this post.......
as 3 of my pedals welt, let 3 more grow in its place....
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