-Curtis "50 cent" Jackson
(im still M.I.A but i want to write this because it will eat me alive if i didnt)
To me, i think i shouldnt be talking about this, espically not like how i am going to talk about it, but something inside of me just wants to let it out so ima just go with what this something is telling me
what is heaven? what does it look like? am i ready for it? when will i know? should i even recieve to go to heaven? is it everything someone would hope for? is it above the clouds or deep whithin your mind?
as i lay on my bed, thinking about this, i think to myself, why on earth am i even thinking about it? for what reason did this come to my mind? and frankly, i dont know. it actually scares me thinking about it, but i just want to let it go.
i use to think of heaven as a place somewhere in the clouds, with golden gates and angles flying all around. in some ways i knida still think of it in that way, but now growing up, i see it as a place where its bright, with something you look foward to. i feel as though heaven is what someone dreams of that will come true in their own way, if they were even acccept to the promise land that is. not trying to put anyone down, but its the truth. i mean i myself am not ready for it, TRULY ready for it, but then again, i dont know. maybe God is ready for me now, i dont think im ready, but maybe God thinks something different.
if that was the case, what would happen if i were to die right now? would anything change or would everything be the same? who would care if i died? i know my parents would of course, but i mean would my family care? i dont really care 2 pennys about them, would they feel the same way about me? what about my friends(or the few friends i have) how would they feel if i were to be gone right now? would my family and friends care about me or be glad that im off the face of this earth? would people even attend my funeral? what would they say about me? would they say that she was so sweet and it wasnt her time, or couldnt say anything about me at all?
it really does scare me saying something like this, hearing stories about people who think about death, then the next thing you know it comes true for them. i mean i dont want people to get the wrong idea as they read this, its just something ive been holding inside me for years, its nothing negative, im not depressed, but its something that now is really deep in my head. i get scared about it just thinking about it, but i also need to realize that i shouldnt because if i was truly saved, i would know that i will be going to the promise land and await for God to tell me His orders.
but you know, maybe God is telling me something, maybe im writing this casue He wants me to realize something. it might not be death or anything, but maybe its to make me realize that i need......... that i need to live each day..... like its my last. maybe thats it. because ive been living each day for the past few weeks with misery and..... dare i say it... regret. and its because of this that i havent truly talked to God in knowing that everything is going to be alright, but more of why is this happening to me. and i shouldnt question His work, i should just accept it and know that He will not do anything to hurt me.
even though as i write this post, and believe that everythings going to be alight, my heart feels poisoned. but i shouldnt let it stop me from doing what it is i need to do. maybe God is telling me as i write this post good things are going to come after all, just like good things come to those who wait, like going to heaven for example.
whatever the case may be for me writing this, even thinking about it, i feel as though its a good reason. and whatever God is trying to tell me as i write this, i know He is trying to tell me something that might change the way i think.....
But i wonder what it could be?
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